A Rittenhouse Christmas
by Rena
Summary: After months of turmoil and tragedy, Lu receives help and comfort from an unexpected source
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

  


Author's Note: During this Christmas season, I decided to write a story that is a bit different than my other stories. I decided to focus on what I believe is the true meaning of Christmas....helping others, reaching out to others. After months of turmoil and tragedy, Lu receives help and comfort from an unexpected source

  


Setting: Monday, December 22, 2003

  
  
  
  
  


Chapter 1: What's For Christmas?

  
  


"How does that look, Lu?" Lana Hawkins asked as she placed the gold star on top of the Christmas tree that stood in the center of the reception area of the Rittenhouse Women's Health Center. Dr. Luisa Delgado paused briefly to look at the tree.

"Looks great, Lana." Lu replied, without much enthusiasm. Lana stared after her as she went into her office and shut the door.

"Now what do you suppose is buggin' her?" Lana asked noone in particular.

"She does seem a bit upset." Dr. Andy Campbell answered."

"But this is Christmas. People are supposed to be happy. She looked more like Scrooge."

"Hawkins, has she told you of her Christmas plans yet?" Lana shook her head.

"Nope. Hasn't said a word. She seems to want it to be kept a secret. Maybe I'll talk to her."

"Maybe we should just give her some space. Knowing Delgado, she will tell us when she is ready."

"I guess, Dr. Campbell." Lana climbed down from the ladder she was standing on and looked in the direction of Lu's office. "She usually loves Christmas. This just isn't like her at all."

"We must remember, Hawkins, that the past several months have been difficult for her. I can understand why she might not be in the Christmas spirit." Andy reminded the receptionist.

"I guess you're right, Dr. Campbell. When are you and the girls leaving for D.C.?"

"As soon as I can get home. The girls are anxious to see my folks. But of course, they miss their dad." Lana nodded in understanding. Andy and her husband had recently separated, and he was living in California. This would be their first Christmas without him.

"What about you, Hawkins? When are your boys coming home?" Andy questioned.

"Tomorrow." Lana answered. "I still can't believe they are both coming home after all these years. They said they want to spend the holidays with their mama."

"That's wonderful, Hawkins."

"Good afternoon, Ladies." Lana and Andy turned to see Dr. Robert Jackson standing behind them.

"Hi, Dr. J." Lana answered. "I thought you'd be gone already."

"In a few minutes,Ms. Hawkins. I just had some last minute reports to finish. So ladies, what have you planned for the holidays?" Dr. Jackson asked.

"My boys are coming home." Lana answered. "First time in years they will both be here at the same time." 

"The girls and I are going to D.C. to spend the holidays with my folks." Andy said. "The first Christmas without Les. And what about you? What are your plans?"

"I'm taking Susan and the kids on a Christmas cruise."

"Sounds nice." Lana answered. "I'm sure they will enjoy it. Especially your wife. It will be good for her to get away for a bit." Bob nodded in agreement. Susan was battling MS, and it would be good for her to get away from her daily life of pain and therapy. 

"Where's Delgado?" Bob asked. "I suppose she has already taken off for wherever it is she is going for the holidays" Lana shook her head.

"She's in her office. I have no idea what she is doing for Christmas. She's pretty much kept her plans to herself." Bob glanced at his watch.

"I'd best be going. Merry Christmas."

"You too, Bob," Andy answered. After he had gone, Andy glanced towards Lu's office.

"I'm going to check in with Lu before I leave. Just to wish her a merry Christmas." Lana nodded.

  
  


Lu sat at her desk, holding a framed picture in her hand. As she stared at the picture, tears streamed down her cheeks. Lost in her own thoughts, she didn't hear the light knock on the door, and was unaware that anyone was there until Andy opened the door and stuck her head in. "Lu?" Lu quickly put the picture down and wiped the tears from her cheeks, embarrassed that her partner had caught her crying.

"Lu?" Andy asked again. "Are you okay?"

"Uh...yeah, Andy. I'm fine. What's up?" Andy glanced at Lu's desk, spotting the picture that Lu had quickly put down when she had come into the office.

"I just wanted to come in and wish you a merry Christmas before I leave."

"Oh. Yeah. Merry Christmas." Lu answered.

"Lu, are you sure you're okay?" Lu nodded.

"I'm fine, Andy." Lu said again.

"So...you and Marc have any special plans for the holidays?" Andy questioned.

"Marc is going to Arizona with Bill and his family to spend the holidays with Bill's parents."

"And what about you?" Lu shrugged.

"Just working, I guess. With Marc gone, there's no reason why I shouldn't work."

"Except maybe to have some time to yourself. You could use the time off, Lu." Lu shook her head.

"I can't afford to take time off, Andy. I've told you that before."

"Lu, Christmas is a time for families to be together. There..."

"Marc is my family, Andy. And with him gone, there is noone. Besides, someone needs to stay here and mind the store. Sickness doesn't take a holiday." Andy was silent for a moment as she studied her partner. She knew there was something weighing heavy on her mind, something that she obviously did not want to talk about. Glancing again at the framed picture on her desk, she suspected that it had something to do with the young man in the picture.

"I need to get going, Lu. Just wanted to make sure that you're okay." Lu forced a smile.

"Have a great time with your folks, Andy. See you when you get back." Andy opened the door to leave, then turned back to Lu.

"Merry Christmas, Lu."

"Merry Christmas, Andy." After her partner had left the office, Lu picked up the picture again and held it tightly to her chest as tears once again began spilling down her cheeks.


	2. Unexpected Visitor

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

  
  


Setting: Tuesday, December 23, 2003

  
  
  


Chapter 2: Unexpected Visitor

  
  
  
  


"Morning, Lu." Dr. Nick Biancavilla greeted Lu the next morning."

"Hey, Nick." Lu answered, sounding tired.

"You okay?"Nick asked, concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just didn't get much sleep last night, that's all. Let's get started with the day, shall we?"

"Yeah, sure." Nick answered as he headed towards the ER, then stopped and turned around again.

"Hey Lu, how about lunch in the cafeteria later?"

"I don't know, Nick. I have a full load of patients today. But thanks."

"Sure. I'll see ya later." Nick wasn't surprised by the young doctor's answer, as she often didn't take time to eat lunch. But there was a sadness in her tone, in her eyes. 

Lu went into her office and closed the door, glad she had a few moments to herself before her first patient was due. She picked up her first patient's file, quickly glancing at the picture on her desk as she did so.

  
  


She stood on the steps of the RWHC, staring at the large hospital, the place where she had once called home. In her arms was a small child, with another child standing beside her. On her other side was a woman younger than herself.

"This is it, Julie. Rittenhouse Women's Health Center." The younger woman stared at the large building.

"Wow. This is where you used to work?" Dr. Dana Stowe nodded.

"Yes. This was home."

"This place is huge. I'd get lost in a place like this." Julie said, still staring in awe at the large facility. Dana smiled. "Yes, it is huge. But a wonderful place."

"Do you ever miss it?" Julie questioned. Dana was silent for a moment as she thought back to just over a year ago when she had made the decision to move back to her home in Virginia with her two newly adopted daughters.

"Yeah, sometimes I do miss it." She finally answered. "It was hard to leave, but I knew it would be best for the girls. I felt it important for them to grow up with family nearby. And with my hectic work schedule here, it wouldn't have been good for any of us. They had already been rejected by one mother. I didn't want them to feel that they were rejected by another."

"Does anyone know you're coming?" Julie asked. Dana shook her head.

"I thought I would surprise them. I haven't really kept in close contact with any of them since I left over a year ago. With my folks on the cruise, I thought this would be a good time to come back and see everyone, unless they are gone for the holidays or something. But I doubt it."

"What about that partner you told me about? Do you think she'll be here?" Julie asked. Dana nodded.

"I'd say that is a pretty safe bet. She never takes time off to go anywhere. She's always here."

"Can we go in? Or are we just going to stand here staring at the building?" Julie asked with a smile.

"I'd say we can go in now." Dana led the way up the steps and into the building. She glanced around. The halls were fairly empty. The reception desk was also empty.

"This is weird." Dana whispered softly. "Where is everyone?" 

"Maybe everyone left for the holidays." Julie offered.

"That would be very unusual." Dana replied. She glanced down the hall towards where her office had been, reading the name that was now on the door: Dr. Andy Campbell.

"Andy Campbell. Interesting name for a women's health specialist." Dana said under her breath.

"But I know one person who will be here." Dana headed down the hall towards Lu's office, followed by Julie and 6 year old Annie. When she reached the office, she first peeked in the window. As expected, she found Lu sitting at her desk. She knocked lightly on the closed door.

"Yeah?" Dana opened the door.

"Hi Lu." Lu glanced up, expecting it to be her next patient. Surprised, she dropped her pen on the desk.

"Oh...my...god. Dana?" Lu stood up. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi Lu. How are you?"

"I'm fine." Lu answered quickly. "And you?"

"I'm fine." Lu gently touched the baby's cheek.

"She's gotten so big, Dana. She's so pretty." Lu then knelt down in front of the other little girl as she shyly stood beside her mother.

"Hi Annie. You're growing into a beautiful young lady." Lu stood up and glanced at Julie, then at Dana.

"Oh Lu. I'd like you to meet Julie, our nanny. Julie, I'd like you to meet Dr. Luisa Delgado. Or Lu."

"Nice to meet you, Dr. Delgado." Julie said as she shook Lu's hand. Lu smiled.

"Please, call me Lu. Noone calls me Dr. Delgado. Or Luisa."

"Where is everyone, Lu? It's so quiet around here." Dana questioned.

"Lana's boys are coming for the holidays, so she took some time off. Peter is off on a motorcycle somewhere. Dr. Jackson and his family are on a Christmas cruise or something. Andy and her kids are in D.C. with her parents. And Nick is in the ER."

"Oh. I imagine you and Marc have something special planned for the holidays?" Lu shook her head.

"Nope. Marc went to Arizona with Bill and his family to spend it with Bill's parents." Lu said, referring to her son's father, his wife and their 4 year old twin daughters.

"You're spending Christmas alone?" Dana asked. Lu nodded. "Yeah, I guess. But we both know that it will not be lonely here at the clinic. Seems holidays is when people get sick the most." Dana nodded.

"You've got a point there."

"So Dana, what are you doing back in Philly?"

"My folks are on a cruise, so I decided to bring my girls back here for the holidays. We're renting a condo about 30 miles from town out on Kanyon Bridge Drive"

"Cool." Lu answered. "Want me to page Nick?"

"No, I'll just surprise him in the ER." Lu glanced at her watch. "I hate to rush you off, Dana. But I've got a patient due any minute."

"It's okay, Lu. We need to get going soon anyway. It's time for naps. I'll just drop in on Nick quick first. How about we get together for lunch soon? We can catch up on the gossip. And there is always plenty of that around here I am sure." Lu nodded.

"As usual. Sure, Dana. That would be great." Dana smiled. "Good. Talk to you later."

  
  
  


Dana walked in the emergency room and glanced around, spotting Nick across the room talking to a nurse. Wanting to surprise him, she quietly walked up behind him. "Excuse me."

"Just a moment please." Nick said without looking up.

"Ummm...excuse me." Dana touched him on the shoulder.

"I said just a mom..." Nick said as he turned around, stopping in mid sentence when he saw Dana.

"I don't believe it. What are you doing here?"

"My folks are gone for the holidays, so I thought I would bring my girls to Philly. Besides, I kinda miss everyone." Nick smiled.

"It's great to see you again. Did you see Lu?"

"Yeah. She was in her office, as usual. She sort of didn't seem like herself, though." Nick nodded.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. She's had a tough year."

"Oh? Like what?" Dana asked, concerned.

"How about we have dinner tonight? Catch up on old times? Say around 7?"

"That'd be nice. Sure. We're staying in a condo out on Kanyon Bridge Drive. Julie, our nanny came with us, so she can keep the girls. How about I meet you somewhere so you won't have to drive way out there?"

"Hmmm...how about I pick you up? I'd rather you not be driving way out there at night."

"Okay. Sounds wonderful, Nick. I'll see you at 7." Dana said, handing him a piece of paper with the address on it.

"Umm...I'd better get back to work. I'll see you tonight."

"Bye, Nick."

"Bye, Dana."


	3. Catching Up

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

  
  


Setting: Tuesday December 23, 2003 7:30pm

  
  
  


Chapter 3: Catching Up

  
  
  


"Nick, you didn't have to chose the most expensive place in Philadelphia." Dana said as they walked into The San Marino, one of the most elegant restaurants in the city. Nick smiled.

"Only the best for the best." Nick followed Dana to their reserved table located in a corner. After they were seated and their before supper drinks had been ordered, Dana perched her elbows on the table and folded her hands.

"So what's up with Lu? You said she's had a tough year."

"Well, the past six months, really. Her boyfriend died in June." Nick replied.

"Boyfriend?" Nick nodded.

"His name was Migual Arenis...Mickey."

"Lu's had a lot of boy friends," Dana said, remembering that most of her boyfriends hadn't lasted more than a few months.

"This one was different, Dana. They had been in high school together. They got together again when Mickey brought his mother in as a patient. Lu was there for him when his mother died of cancer. Then they started seeing each other. They were good together. They became very close, much closer than she had been with any of the other guys she dated. He was special, Dana. We could all see it. And she loved him very much. And he loved her. You would have liked him."

"So what happened? How'd he die?" Dana questioned, expecting Nick to say that maybe he had died in a car accident. She was unprepared for his answer.

"He was murdered." Nick said after a brief pause.

"What?" Dana asked. Nick nodded.

"Yeah, he was murdered. By one of Lu's patients."

"What?" Dana asked again. Nick nodded.

"Yep. This woman was mentally unstable. She showed signs of suicidal tendencies, so Lu admitted her to the psych ward for evaluation. During that 24 hour period, she didn't show any harm to herself or anyone else, so they discharged her without even talking to Lu first. "

"I'll bet that went over real well," Dana said, knowing perfectly well that something like that would upset her former partner. "So did she come to the clinic? Why would she shoot Lu's boyfriend? To get back at her?"

"Mickey and Lu had been out one evening, then they went back to Lu's apartment. Within seconds they realized that they weren't alone, that someone else was in the room. It was her patient. She had a gun. As she raised the gun, Mickey put his arms around Lu and turned her around, putting himself between her and the line of fire. He was shot in the head." Dana stared at Nick in disbelief.

"Oh my god. He died saving her life." Nick nodded.

"Yeah." He took a deep breath. "When they arrived in the ER that night..." Nick paused as the memory of that horrible night came flooding back to him....the sight of Mickey lying bleeding on the gurney, the sight of a hysterical Lu covered in blood...Mickey's blood. He shuddered at the thought.

"It was awful, Dana. Lu was hysterical. She was covered with blood. I could tell right away that he was gone...or close to it. But she insisted on putting in a breathing tube. She did it herself. It was plain that she was in shock. We paged Dr. Campbell. Dr. Campbell was able to get her out of the ER and took her to her office."

"I can only imagine how awful that must have been." Dana said softly. Nick nodded.

"She refused to let him go, even though it was plain that he was brain dead. Dr. Jackson and the board wanted to take him off the respirator right away. One of the board members felt that the bed shouldn't be taken by someone who..."

"Had no chance for survival." Dana finished for him.

"Yeah. But Dr. Campbell and Dr. Morton defended her, saying that she needed time to say good bye. So he was kept on the respirator til the next day. She found an organ donor card attached to his driver's license, and one of Dr. Campbell's patients needed a heart transplant. So she knew she had to let him go. Sad thing is, his heart didn't go to Dr. Campbell's patient. It went to a woman in prison on death row for murdering her husband." Nick finished.

"Wow. Poor Lu. How did she deal with something like that?" Dana questioned. Nick took a sip of his drink, which had arrived a few moments before.

"Well, you know how she is. She didn't take time off. She just threw herself into her work. She blamed herself. She felt that the bullet was meant for her. And she is probably right. Mickey knew that too. I don't think she ever really grieved for him. We tried to get her to at least take a couple of days off. But she wouldn't. Not even the day of the funeral. We all went to the funeral, then back to work. Even Lu. She wouldn't talk about it."

"That sounds like Lu." Dana said. "She did the same thing right after she was raped." Nick nodded. He remembered very well that night a year and a half earlier when Lu had arrived in the Rittenhouse ER announcing to him that she had been raped. Dana had performed the rape exam on her that awful night. She had returned to work right away, struggling to put that night behind her.

"She fought hard to work through that and put herself and her life back together." Dana commented, remembering well the weeks following the rape when Lu began a downhill spiral that had threatened to destroy her and everything she had worked so hard for. "She was finally able to put it behind her."

"Until several months ago when everything resurfaced again." Nick said.

"What?" Dana questioned. Nick nodded.

"Yeah. About a week after Mickey's murder. She was in the ER treating a patient when the paramedics brought in a man who had collapsed at a medical conference. I was treating a patient a short distance away. Lu was called over to assist. The guy had gone into cardiac arrest and needed the paddles. Lu got ready to do it, then froze. When I realized there was a problem, I went over to find out what was going on. The nurse was talking to Lu, but she was staring down at the patient with the paddles still in her hand. When I looked at the patient, I knew what the problem was. So I took the paddles from her and she left the ER. It was Rand Kilner."

"Oh my god." Dana whispered softly. Rand Kilner had been the man who had raped Lu. At the time, he had just been made the chief of surgery at Rittenhouse. Shortly after the rape and the events that had followed, he had transferred to Manhatten General.

"Poor Lu. To come face to face with him again after she fought so hard to put it behind her."

"Yeah. Sometimes she seems to be doing well, but other times we can see that she is a different person. On the surface she is the same caring, gentle person we all know. But we know that she is still hurting. I once suggested that she talk to someone, like a professional. She almost bit my head off. You know how she is." Dana nodded.

"Yeah, I know how she is."

"If she would just open up and talk to someone." Nick said, taking another sip of his drink.

"Yeah, but we both know how stubborn she is."

"Dana, maybe you could talk to her....get her to open up."

"Nick, you and I both know that I am probably the last person she would talk to" Nick knew she was probably right, but he still felt the need to try.

"Maybe so, Dana. But all of the rest of us have talked to her. She just insists that she doesn't need to talk, that nothing is wrong. Same old story. But we all know differently." Dana sighed. She knew Lu probably wouldn't open up to her either, but she also knew that she would have to try.

"I'll see what I can do, Nick. But I seriously doubt that it will do any good."

"That's all I ask, Dana." Nick replied, taking another sip of his drink. "So how are things with you in Virginia? Everything going okay with the girls?"

"Everything is going well." Dana answered. "My practice is booming. I bought a house shortly after we moved back there. There was a small empty building right next door, so I bought it also and turned it into my clinic. I set my own hours, I don't work weekends or evenings. I can work my schedule around the girls. I go home and have lunch with the girls every day. It's great. Julie lives with us and cares for the girls while I am working. I have Wednesdays off so I can spend the day with the kids. That is Julie's day off. We're close to my folks."

"That's great, Dana. I'm glad things are going so well for all of you. Do you ever regret your decision to leave Philly and move back to Virginia?" Nick asked. Dana shook her head.

"No, Nick. Deciding to adopt Annie and Louise was one of the most important decisions I've ever made in my life. And I really believe that I couldn't have given them what they needed if we had stayed here. With my schedule at the RWHC, I would never be home with them. And they need a mother who can spend time with them. I know I did the best thing for all of us. Both girls are thriving. Annie is in kindergarten, and she loves it. We found a doctor nearby who specializes in pediatric aids for Louise. Really, we are very happy there.."

"I'm glad, Dana. I really am." Dana reached across the table and touched his hand.

"Nick, that doesn't mean that I don't miss all of you. I mean, you all are like family to me. I miss all of you very much. I mean, you and I..." Dana paused. At one time they had been romantically involved, and had even lived together. "You and I were very close. And we will always be friends, no matter where we live." Dana took the last bite of her steak, which had arrived earlier. Then she drank the last of her drink.

"This was really nice, Nick. Thank you."

"I'm glad you're here, Dana. It's great seeing you again." Nick said.

"And thanks for telling me about Lu. I'll do whatever I can to help. But I can't promise that she will talk to me."

"I know, but she won't talk to any of us. Not even Marc. She just seems to shut us out when we try to talk about Mickey."

"What an awful thing to have witnessed. And also to know that he was killed while protecting her. That can't be an easy thing for her to live with."

"This would have been their first Christmas together." Nick said as he finished his drink. "She really seems to be down right now. And I know having Marc gone with his dad isn't helping her any. This is also her first Christmas without Marc here." Dana glanced at her watch. 

"It's almost 10. I really should get back. I always try whenever possible to be home with the girls when they go to bed. We have a regular bed time routine."

"This has been really nice, Dana." Nick said as they both stood to go. "I'm glad you're back. I really miss you." Nick leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

"I miss you too, Nick." Dana replied softly.


	4. The Christmas Gift

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

  
  


Setting: Wednesday, December 24, 2003

  
  
  
  


Chapter 4: The Christmas Gift

  
  
  
  


"Excuse me. I was wondering if you could help me." Nick glanced up from the file he was reading while sitting behind the reception desk.

"What can I do for you?" 

"I was wondering if Dr. Lu Delgado might be in today." The woman answered.

"Sure, she's here." Nick answered. "I believe she is in her office. I'll give her a call. Whom should I say is here?"

"Anna Matthews." Nick picked up the phone and dialed the extension to Lu's office.

"Yeah?" Lu said when she picked up the receiver.

"Lu, Anna Matthews is here to see you." Upon hearing the name, Lu paused.

"Lu?"

"Uh....yeah, Nick. Send her in." Nick hung up the phone.

"She said to go on in. Her office is right down there." Nick pointed down the hall towards Lu's office.

"Thank you." Anna said softly as she headed down the hall. Nick stared after her for a moment, wondering where he had seen her before. And something in Lu's tone when he had told her that she was here had concerned him. Why had she hesitated? Nick shook his head. He just couldn't place this woman. He knew he had seen her before, and he knew it had been right here at the RWHC.

  
  


Lu took a deep breath as she opened the door to her office. "Hi Anna." she said as the woman approached.

"Hi Lu. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute."

"Of course." Lu answered, standing aside to let Anna into her office.

"I...I was sorry to hear about Mickey." Anna began, speaking softly. Anna's husband Joey had been Mickey's best friend, also a firefighter. Joey had died a few months before Mickey, in the line of duty when a mall had collapsed. Lu and Anna had been introduced to each other only the day before Joey's death. "I wanted to go to his funeral...but I just couldn't."

"I understand." Lu answered softly. "How are you doing?" Anna shrugged.

"It's been rough. The boys miss their daddy. But we're doing okay. Christmas will be hard, though. It's hard not having him here." 

"I know what you mean." Lu replied. Anna reached into her purse and brought out a small package attached to a card.

"This is for you. It's...it's from Mickey."

"What?" Lu questioned, staring at the package that Anna held out to her.

"Mickey gave it to Joey to keep for him. Joey said that Mickey wanted him to keep it for him until Christmas. I had forgotten about it until the other day when I was going through some of Joey's things and found it." With a trembling hand, Lu took the package. She stared at the neatly wrapped box and her name written on the envelope that accompanied the package.

"Th...thank you, Anna." Anna smiled slightly.

"I know how hard this must be for you, Lu, to get this now, after he's gone." Lu nodded. She knew she couldn't open the package now. Not yet.

"I..." Lu started, but the lump in her throat wouldn't let her continue. Anna could see that she was having a difficult time.

"I need to get going. I know you're busy. I just wanted to make sure you got this."

"Thank you, Anna." Lu managed. Anna smiled.

"You're welcome, Lu. Maybe we can get together sometime."

"I'd like that." Lu watched in silence as Anna left the office, then she closed the door as she stared at the package she still held in her hand.

  
  
  


"Hey, you going to eat that or just play with it?" Lu glanced up from her lunch tray.

"Hey Nick."

"Mind if I join you?" Nick asked. Lu shrugged.

"Yeah, sure." Nick sat down across the table from her.

"You okay, Lu?" 

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?" Lu asked.

"I don't know. You just don't seem like yourself, that's all." Lu sighed heavily.

"Nick, I am fine. I don't see why you keep asking. How many times do I need to say it? I am fine. Nothing is wrong. Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do." Without another word, Lu got up from the table and hurried from the cafeteria. Nick glanced at her tray, which obviously had not been touched. Nick shook his head. He knew something was bothering her. Did it have something to do with the visit from that woman a short time earlier? Her mood had seemed to change after the woman had left.

  
  


Lu took a deep breath as she sat down at her desk. It had been a hectic day at the clinic, and she was exhausted. But it was Wednesday, and she had all night clinic. She glanced at her watch. 10:30pm. She opened her desk drawer and took out the package that she had received earlier, still unopened. She bit her lip as she toyed with the bow that was on top of the small package.

She jumped slightly at the sudden knock on her door.

"Yeah?" She quickly put the package back in the drawer as the door opened.

"Hi Lu."

"Dana. Hi. What are you doing here?" Dana walked in and sat down on the couch.

"I thought I might talk to you, since you didn't return my calls earlier today."

"Sorry. I've been busy. You know what Wednesday's are like around here."

"I remember." Dana answered. "So I thought that since you didn't return my calls, I would come down here and talk to you."

"So what's so important that you came all the way down here at this hour?" Lu questioned.

"Lu, I think you should take a couple of days off for Christmas." Lu sighed.

"You and everyone else. And I'm going to tell you the same thing I told them. I need to be here for my patients. I can't just abandon them, Dana. You should know that, after working with me for almost 3 years."

"But it's Christmas, Lu. It won't hurt you to take a break. And from what I've heard, you could use one."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lu asked.

"I had supper with Nick last night. He mentioned that you've been working more than usual lately," Dana lied, not wanting Lu to know that Nick had told her about her relationship with Mickey and his tragic death.

"It's my job, Dana." Lu said, feeling a bit exasperated.

"Lu, listen to me for a minute. I've been thinking. Why don't you come out and spend Christmas with us? We'd love to have you. It'd give us a chance to catch up on things. We have plenty of room. It'd give you a chance to get to know the girls. Noone should spend Christmas alone." Lu was silent for a moment as she considered her former partner's generous offer, then she slowly shook her head.

"Thanks, Dana. But really, I can't."

"Why not? Look at this place, Lu. There is noone here. It wouldn't hurt to close the clinic just this once." Dana persisted.

"I can't, Dana. My patients expect me to be here all night on Wednesday's. I don't want someone to show up and me not be here." Lu argued.

"That's why we have the ER. Come on, Lu. You could use the time off."

Lu knew Dana was right. She could use a couple of days off. And things were unusually slow tonight. But still, she resisted. 

"Look, Dana. I appreciate the offer. Really, I do. But I can't." Lu said for the third time. Dana took a deep breath, wondering what she could say to convince Lu to take the much needed time off and spend Christmas with her and her daughters. Lu was strong willed, and not usually one to give in easily in any given situation.

"You sure won't change your mind? We really would love to have you join us for the holidays. Noone should spend Christmas alone." Lu smiled.

"Thanks, Dana. But I'll be fine. I've got plenty to keep me busy around here." Dana stood to leave.

"Okay, Lu. But if you change your mind, just give me a call. You have my cell number. We really would love to have you."

"Thanks, Dana. I'll keep that in mind." Dana opened the door to leave, then turned around, just in time to see Lu quickly wipe a tear from her cheek. 

"Merry Christmas, Lu."

"Yeah. Merry Christmas, Dana." Lu watched in silence as Dana left her office. She sat down at her desk and picked up the picture of Mickey as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Merry Christmas, Mickey. I love you." Lu said softly, her voice trembing.

  
  
  



	5. Wounded Spirit

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

Setting: Thursday, December 25, 2003

Chapter 5: Wounded Spirit

Lu sighed as she sat down at her desk after spending the past couple of hours in the ER. The clinic was empty, and she was glad that the ER had kept her busy for a good share of the morning. She glanced at her watch. 12:30pm.

Sitting alone in the quietness of her office, she leaned back in her chair and allowed her mind to wander. She thought of her son spending the holidays with his dad in Arizona. It was her first Christmas without him, but she was glad that he had had the opportunity to spend this time with his dad, a chance to get out of Philadelphia and see another part of the country.

Then her thoughts turned to Mickey...Miguel Arenis. She had known him in high school, and had gone out with him only once, to a movie.

Their lives had gone in separate directions when she had become pregnant at the age of 16 and had left school.

Then earlier this year, Mickey had arrived at the clinic with his mother, who was ill. Lu had diagnosed her with cancer.

She had been there for Mickey when his mother had died, and their friendship was renewed.

He had asked her out, and she had accepted. But at the last minute, she had cancelled. Memories of her rape from the previous year still haunted her, and she was afraid to let another man get close to her.

But Mickey had been persistent, promising that he would never force or pressure her to do anything she wasn't ready for. Finally, Lu had agreed to go out with him, with much encouragement from her friends at the RWHC

She and Mickey had immediately become inseparable, spending all of their free time together. In a very short time they had grown to love each other. The love she had felt for him was unlike any she had ever known.

As a firefighter, Mickey sacrificed his own safety every day for the safety of others. They had no way of knowing that when they entered her apartment on the evening of June 15, Mickey would make the greatest sacrifice of all. Even after 6 months, the events of that night still haunted her.

She and Mickey had entered her apartment, only to be met by Aneisha, one of her patients. Aneisha hadn't said a word, but slowly raised her arm. To Lu's horror, the unstable young woman held a gun in her hand.

Even now, what happened next was a blur in her mind.

As Aneisha pulled the trigger, Mickey had wrapped his arms around Lu and had quickly turned her away, putting himself in the direct line of fire. Seconds later, a deafening shot was heard and Mickey had falled to the floor.

That night he had sacrificed his own life to save hers. He had purposely put himself in front of the bullet that had clearly been meant for her.

"It should have been me." Lu whispered softly to herself. She opened her desk drawer and took out the small gift and card that she had received the day before.

After a few moments, she slowly opened the envelope. As she read the words that Mickey had written, tears began streaming down her cheeks.

With a trembling hand, she began to unwrap the gift, soon revealing a small jewelry box. She gently rubbed the top of the box, almost afraid to open it.

Finally, she slowly opened the box, catching her breath at the sight of the white gold ring with a single diamond. As she gently ran her finger over the small stone, she could almost see Mickey picking out this beautiful, yet simple ring, for he had been a man who had enjoyed the simple things in life rather than things that were fancy or elaborate.

Tears burned her eyes and streamed down her cheeks at the sudden realization of what this ring meant. Mickey had planned on asking her to marry him. He had bought this ring several months before his untimely death, and had given it to his best friend for safe keeping.

Lost in her own thoughts, Lu didn't hear Nick come into her office until he spoke.

"Hey Lu. I'm going to grab something to eat in the cafeteria. I thought maybe you'd like to join me."

"Uh...thanks, Nick. But I can't. I have to much to do around here." Lu said softly, keeping her back towards him so he wouldn't see her crying. Nick turned and glanced around the waiting area.

"But Lu, there is noone here. You..."

"Nick, I said no." Lu said firmly. "Now I am sure you have more important things to do than to stand around my office. Enjoy your lunch."

"But Lu..." Nick tried again, but Lu interrupted.

"Nick, I can't. Okay?"

"Yeah, sure, Lu. I'll see you later." After he had gone, Lu closed the small box and held it tightly in her hand, then placed her hand over her heart.

In the six months since Mickey's death, Lu had not allowed herself to grieve. She had returned to work the day after the shooting, spending as much time with him as she could, until the time had come for him to be taken off life support.

Arriving in the Rittenhouse ER that night, she had known that there was very little hope that he would live. Even when Nick had announced that there was no brain activity, she still insisted that they do what they could to keep him alive. When Nick tried to tell her that it was no use, she had herself inserted the breathing tube, knowing that she had to do whatever she could to try to save the young man's life.

After his death, she had refused to talk about the man who had meant so much to her, the man she had loved. She had refused to talk about the guilt that she felt, blaming herself for his murder. After all, it had been her patient that had pulled the trigger on the gun that night. She knew that her patient had meant to kill her.

While at work, she managed to always keep herself busy, avoiding any conversation that included Mickey. Soon, her friends and co-workers also kept Mickey out of their conversations.

But at home, it was different. Although she would not allow herself to cry or grieve for him, she thought about him constantly.

Sometimes her thoughts of him consisted only of the happy times they had shared. Other times her thoughts consisted of the love they had shared.

But mostly, her thoughts consisted of that awful night in her apartment, the night he had been shot...the ride to the hospital...the ER...her clothes and hands covered with blood, Mickey's blood, as she fought to save his life.

She had spent many hours sitting beside his hospital bed, until Dr. Jackson had come in and announced that the time had come for her to let him go, that it was time for them to remove this hero's heart and transplant it into a young woman.

Lu had gone into surgery with the team, and had insisted that she herself turn off the machine that had been keeping him alive. And there, she had said good-bye to him one last time.

As the memories of that night came flooding back to her, Lu buried her head in her hands and wept....long, hard sobs. She had 6 long months of tears bottled up inside her. And now, she couldn't control her tears. She couldn't suppress her grief any longer. Mickey was dead, and it was all because of her. If it hadn't been for her, he would still be alive. 

Lu sat there for what seemed like hours, her entire body shaking with sobs.

For 6 months she had bottled up her emotions, bottled up the guilt, and had not allowed herself to grieve for the man she loved. 

  


Finally, her tears spent, Lu felt completely drained. She looked around, realizing how much time had passed. The clinic was empty, and suddenly she couldn't sit there another minute.

Grabbing her jacket and purse Lu headed for the door, not bothering to wipe the tears from her face.

Once outside Lu stopped, looking around, frantically searching her mind for a place to go, someplace where she could attempt to find peace.

Lu hurried to her car, taking a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself down before getting behind the wheel.

She pulled out of the parking lot and headed in the direction of home. Driving towards her apartment, her mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and memories. Then she realized that she didn't want to go home. She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to be alone in the apartment where Mickey had been murdered. She blinked her eyes, trying to stop the fresh flow of tears that threatened to spill down her already tear stained cheeks.

Instead of heading towards home, she found herself driving towards the outskirts of town, towards the country. She quickly realized that she was heading towards Kanyon Bridge Drive, where Dana was renting a condo. 

Half hour later, she pulled into the driveway of the condo, immediately recognizing Dana's car. She took a deep breath, trying once again to calm herself.

Slowly, she walked up the stairs to the door, pausing briefly before ringing the doorbell. Should she have just dropped in on Dana like this? Sure, Dana had invited her, but she had told her no. Finally, she rang the bell and waited nervously for her former partner to open the door.

While standing on the porch, she could hear happy laughter coming from inside. She almost wanted to turn away and run. But she could hear footsteps coming towards the door, and seconds later a smiling Dana opened the door. Seeing Lu, her smiled quickly turned to a look of concern. She was taken aback by Lu's appearance.

Her eyes were red and puffy, obviously from crying. Strands of her long hair stuck to her tear stained cheeks, while fresh tears glistened in her eyes.

"My god, Lu." Dana said softly. "What's wrong?"

"I'm...I'm sorry, Dana." Lu said, once again fighting back the tears. "But I...I didn't know...I didn't know where else to go."

"It's okay, Lu." Dana answered. "Come on in." Dana stood back to let her in. Lu hesitated for a moment, then followed her inside. 

"He's....he's gone, Dana. He's really gone." Lu said softly as tears began streaming down her cheeks.


	6. Broken Heart

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

/

Setting: Thursday, December 25, 2003

Friday, December 26, 2003

  


Chapter 6: Broken Heart

  


Dana lightly knocked on the bedroom door. "Lu? It's Dana. Can I come in?"

"Yeah." Lu's voice was soft, barely audible. Dana opened the door, wondering what shape she would find her friend in. Lu was sitting on the bed leaning against the headboard, hugging a pillow to her chest. 

"Lu, supper's ready. I thought maybe you'd like to join us." Dana said softly.

"No, thanks." Lu replied. "I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat, Lu. You've been locked up in here ever since you got here this afternoon. I...I was hoping maybe we could talk for a bit." Lu bit her lip, remaining silent. She knew Dana had questions.

"I'm sorry, Dana." Lu said softly. "I...I just need to be alone." Dana nodded in understanding.

"I understand, Lu. Let me know if you need anything." Lu nodded slowly as Dana started to close the door. Dana paused briefly, then turned to face Lu.

"Is that why you came out here, Lu? To be alone?" Lu stared after her as she gently closed the door. Lu knew Dana was right. She had come out here because she didn't want to be alone. She had been here for several hours, and had spent most of that time in this bedroom, sitting alone with her thoughts of Mickey, his tragic death, and the Christmas gift she had just received. 

Suddenly feeling exhausted and emotionally spent, Lu curled up on the bed, closing her eyes and drifting into a troubled sleep.

  


Lu slowly opened her eyes and glanced around the room, for a moment forgetting where she was. Her eyes came to rest on the clock on the night stand beside the bed. 1:45am. She lay there a moment, trying to shake the fogginess from her mind.

"I need some air." She mumbled. She made her way through the house until she reached the front door. She opened the door and quietly slipped outside.

  


Dana poured herself a cup of coffee as she gazed out the kitchen window, enjoying the quiet of the early morning. It was just beginning to get light, and she knew her daughters would be up soon, as would Julie. 

Dana took a sip of her coffee. There were times when she missed her friends and co-workers here in Philadelphia, but she knew she would never regret her decision to move back to her home in Virginia to make a better life for her two daughters.

Her life in Philadelphia and centered around her work at the RWHC, and would not be a proper place to raise her children. Her hectic schedule at the clinic would take her away from the girls very often, and she had known that that would be no life for them. So she had made the decision to move.

Leaving the RWHC had been difficult, especially saying good-bye to her many friends and co-workers. They had been like family to her. Even Lu.

True, they had often found themselves on opposite sides of an issue, but in the end, they had realized that they had been good for each other, each learning from the other.

Dana frowned. Nick had been right. Lu was in a great deal of pain. She could see it. And still, Lu would not admit that she was hurting. Or that she needed or wanted help.

Dana finished her coffee, then put the cup in the sink. As she started to move away from the sink, a sudden movement caught her eye.

"What in the...oh Lu." Dana said, seeing Lu standing on the walk around deck, her arms wrapped tightly around herself in the chilly December air.

Dana put her jacket on and hurried outside to where Lu was standing, approaching her from behind.

"Lu?" Dana said quietly, not wanting to startle her.

"What are you doing out here?" Lu asked without turning around.

"I could ask you the same thing." Dana replied. "How long have you been standing out here?" Lu shrugged.

"Since about 2 I guess."

"My god, Lu. It's freezing out here. Come back inside. We can talk." Lu remained silent, causing Dana to wonder if Lu had even heard her. After several moments of silence, Lu spoke softly, her voice heavy with emotion.

"I loved him, Dana. And now..." Lu's voice trailed off.

"I heard he was very special." Dana replied. Lu turned to face Dana, a questioning look in her eyes.

"I had dinner with Nick the other night. He told me how special Mickey was to you." Dana explained. Lu nodded.

"Yeah. He cared about me. He cared about Marc. It never bothered him that Marc was someone else's kid. He didn't treat Marc like he was someone else's kid. He understood by commitment to the clinic and to my patients. He was always willing to work our time together around my schedule. He never asked me to choose between him and my patients. He always made time for me."

"He sounds like a very nice person, Lu." Lu nodded.

"When he died..." Lu paused, then turned away from Dana, not wanting her to see the tears that were welling up in her eyes. Dana gently touched Lu's shoulder, silently letting her know that she was there for her. Lu took a deep breath.

"In the ER that night...he was...he was bleeding so bad. I knew it was bad, Dana. Nick said...Nick said he was already gone, that there was no brain activity. But I had to do something. I couldn't just not do something. I put in a breathing tube. I had to at least try. I had to..." Lu paused again, finding it difficult to continue as the horrific memories from that night came flooding back to her. Dana waited silently, giving Lu the time she needed to continue. She could readily see how difficult it was for her.

"I'm sure you did whatever you could, Lu." Dana offered gently." Lu wrapped her arms tighter around herself. Dana could see that Lu was cold, as she was wearing just a light shirt and jeans, not heavy enough to protect her from the early morning cold.

"You should come inside, Lu. You're cold." Dana suggested. "I'll fix you some coffee and we can talk." Lu was silent for a moment. She knew Dana was right. She was cold. Very cold. But still, she couldn't go inside. She knew that soon the children would be up. 

Lu took a deep breath as the memories of events leading up to that horrible night came flooding back to her.

"She was my patient, Dana. I knew she was unstable. I knew she was a danger to herself and others. I committed her to the psych ward. But they released her without even notifying me. I tried to find her. I talked to her boss. He had fired her. She had threatened to blow his head off. I told him that I had reason to believe that she would do it. I...I couldn't find her. I went back to the clinic. Andy's daughter was having back surgery, and I went down to see how it was going. I...I was arrested and..." Dana interrupted.

"Arrested"? For what?"

"Andy had found an abandoned baby in the dumpster outside the hospital. The baby died. The cops wanted to go through her files and mine to try to find out who may have dumped her. I refused. So they took me to jail."

"But Lu..." Dana started, but Lu continued.

"I spent the night there. And while I was gone, Aneishia showed up at the clinic asking for me. Lana told her I wasn't in. Lana said she seemed really fidgety and nervous. Then she left. I got there soon after. I wanted to go look for her, but Lana told me I should take a shower and a nap first, and deal with Aneishia later. So I took her advice. I know I must have looked pretty awful." Lu paused for a moment. Dana waited in silence for her to continue. After a few moments, Lu started again, her voice heavy with emotion.

"After work, Mickey and I went out. Marc was staying with his dad for the weekend. I was going to ask him that night if he wanted to move in with us. When we got inside, we realized that we were not alone. I saw Aneishia standing there. Then I saw the gun. Mickey...Mickey saw it too. He...he put his arms around me and spun me around. Then I heard the shot. And...and Mickey fell to the floor. He was bleeding so bad, Dana. He...he had been shot in the head. I called 911. I...I rode to the hospital with him. I was scared, Dana. I knew it was real bad." Lu paused again, taking a deep breath. 

"Lu, Mickey was a special person to have done what he did. I can see that he loved you very much."

"Mickey died because of me, Dana. Aneishia was my patient. That bullet was meant for me. If I had been at the clinic that day, none of this would have happened. If she hadn't been released from the psych ward, none of this would have happened. If I hadn't committed her to the psych ward in the first place, none of this would have happened." Dana quickly realized how much guilt Lu had been carrying around with her since Mickey's death six months earlier.

"Lu, you can't blame yourself. It was not your fault. You had no way of knowing that that woman was going to break like that. You did everything you had to do. You did everything right. You did what you had to do, and Mickey did what he had to do. He did what he did to protect the woman he loves. Mickey is a hero, Lu. I just thank God that it wasn't you that got shot." Lu was silent for a moment, then turned to face Dana.

"But don't you see, Dana? It should have been me."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Letting Go

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

  


Setting: Friday, December 26, 2003

Chapter 7: Letting Go

Dana sighed, feeling exasperated. How could she convince Lu that what had happened was not her fault?

"Lu, listen to me for a minute. None of this was your fault. The only person responsible is the woman who pulled the trigger on the gun. You did what you could to get her the help she needed."

"Mickey was a fire fighter," Lu began, as if she hadn't heard what Dana had said. "Every day he risked his life to save others. I knew there would always be a chance that he could lose his life in the line of duty. A few months before he died, his station was called to assist at a mall. The mall collapsed. Our ER was filled with fire fighters, but noone knew where Mickey was. For over 24 hours I didn't know where he was. I was scared, Dana. His best friend Joey was killed that day." Lu paused to take a breath, then continued. "Two days ago Joey's wife came to the clinic. She brought me this." Lu reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out the ring, handing it to Dana.

"I don't understand," Dana said, a perplexed expression on her face as she stared at the beautiful ring. 

Lu took a deep breath, then spoke with a trembling voice. "Mickey had given this to Joey to keep for him. Anna found it a few days ago when she was going through his things. He...he had this letter with it." Lu reached into her back pocket and pulled out the neatly folded piece of paper and handed it to Dana. Dana kept her eyes on Lu as she slowly opened the letter. As she read, one line from the letter seemed to jump off the page at her. "Lu, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter how long or how little that may be." As Dana finished reading, she felt the tears well up in her own eyes.

"This is beautiful, Lu." Dana handed the letter back to her. Lu was silent for a moment as she read the letter again.

"He was going to ask me to marry him. I...I would have said yes. How could he just leave me like that? The letter makes it sound like he wasn't planning to be around long." Lu said softly.

"Lu, he didn't mean that at all and you know it. He loved you. I've never even met him, but I can tell how much he loved you just by reading this letter. And by giving his life to save yours just proves it. Can't you see that?" Dana asked, wondering if anything she was saying was actually getting through to Lu. Lu stood there silently, staring off into the distance. When she didn't say anything, Dana continued, hoping to get some sort of response from Lu.

"Lu, if Mickey hadn't done what he did, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself, knowing he could have saved your life and didn't. His life as a fire fighter showed that saving people was what he was all about. Every day he risked his own life to save strangers. It was a natural thing for him to do, to do whatever he had to do to protect someone he loved as much as he loved you. He saw the danger and immediately followed his heart. He didn't take time to try to decide what to do. Lu, that man loved you. Nick told me that. And I can read it in this letter." Dana paused and took a deep breath. Lu continued to stare off into the distance, but Dana noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks. Dana gently touched Lu's shoulder.

"Lu, can I ask you a question?" Lu nodded.

"Yeah." Dana hesitated, then spoke softly.

"Lu, did you love Mickey?" Lu turned to face Dana, surprised at her question.

"What do you think?" Lu asked, her tone slightly irritated. 

"I think you loved him very much, as much as he loved you. That's why you are hurting so badly. And I think you have built a wall of guilt around yourself, a wall noone else can break through."

"Dana, I can't help the way I feel. How else am I supposed to feel? My mentally unstable patient killed him. She wanted to kill me. She intended that bullet for me. And it should have been me. Do you think I can just forget that? Do you think I can just forget that he died because of me? Well, I can't, Dana. I will never forgot that night."

"Of course you'll never forget that night, Lu. And noone expects you to." Dana said. "I can only imagine how you felt that night." Lu nodded. That horrible night was forever etched in her mind.

"Lu, have you visited the cemetery at all since the funeral?" Dana questioned. Lu glanced at Dana.

"What for? Why would I sit there and talk to someone who can't even hear me?" Lu replied.

"I've heard people say that visiting a loved one at the cemetery often brings closure." Lu grunted.

"I don't think so, Dana. All it will do is bring back the memories. It won't bring Mickey back." Lu turned away from Dana, again staring off into the distance. Dana watched her in silence for a moment. 

"Lu, Mickey loved you so much that he sacrificed his own life to save yours. Now maybe you can do something for him." Dana said softly.

"What are you talking about?" Lu asked after a few seconds.

"Maybe it's time to let go of the guilt. For Mickey. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want you to feel guilty the way you do." Lu was thoughtful for a moment. She knew Dana was right. Mickey would not want her to be hurting like this, nor would he want her to blame herself for his death.

"How?" Lu whispered as she turned to look at Dana once again, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I've heard that some people write letters to get rid of their guilt feelings. Some people visit the cemetery and talk to the person they are mourning." Dana paused as she suddenly remembered something Marc had told her a couple of years earlier.

"Lu, do you remember what you told Marc when he blamed himself that you had been raped? You told him that there are things in life that we have control over, and there are things in life that we have no control over. And this is something that you had no control over. Neither did Mickey. Lu, it's been 6 months. It's time to start letting go. It's a long process, I know. But little by little, you will start to heal. You will always remember what happened that night, but as times goes on, you will begin to focus more on the good times you had. And you have this ring that will always remind you of a very special man in your life, a man that loved you so much, he didn't hesitate when he had to chose between his own life and yours. Lu, let go of the guilt and keep his love in your heart. Don't let go of the love you have for him." Lu took a deep breath as she thought about what Dana had said. Slowly, she realized that Dana was right. After 6 long months, it was time to finally start letting go of the guilt, and allow herself to start the healing process.

"We'd better go inside," Dana said. "You're freezing. And the girls will be up soon." Lu nodded. As Dana started to walk away, Lu reached out and touched her arm.

"Dana, wait." Dana stopped, turning to face Lu. Lu bit her lip, then spoke slowly.

"Thank you." Lu hesitated briefly, then reached over and gave Dana a hug. Surprised, Dana returned the hug. Hugging had never been a part of their friendship. Even their 3 year partnership in the clinic had ended with nothing more than a hand shake.

"You're welcome, Lu. And please don't shut everyone out. They want to help you."

"I know." Lu answered softly. "I...I think I am ready to let go now." Without another word, the two women went back into the house, out of the cold Philadelphia morning.

  



	8. Moving On

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters

Setting: Thursday, January 1, 2004

  


Chapter 8: Moving On

  


Lu tightly gripped the steering wheel of her 1977 Pacer as she turned onto the road leading to the Evergreen Meadows Cemetery.

She stopped when she found the familiar grave, the grave she hadn't been able to visit in 6 months, since the day Mickey had been laid to rest there.

It had been a week ago when Dana had suggested she make this trip to the cemetery as a way to begin the healing process.

At first, Lu had resisted, saying that she didn't see any sense in talking to someone that couldn't hear her anyway. But after thinking about it for the past several days, she had come to realize that maybe Dana was right. She had finally decided that even if it didn't help, it sure couldn't hurt.

But now as she parked the car and walked over to the grave, she wasn't sure. Would it help her let go of the pain and guilt? Or would it only remind her of that tragic night?

Lu knelt down in the snow as she gently fingered the name engraved on the stone: Miguel Arenis. 

"Oh god, Mickey. This shouldn't have happened to you. It should have been me. She meant that bullet for me. But you...you moved me out of the way. You...you saved my life. Ever since that night I've been blaming myself. I mean, she was my patient. She wanted to kill me. You shouldn't have had to die, Mickey." As Lu spoke, she gently touched the diamond ring, which she now wore on a chain around her neck.

"I miss you, Mickey. And it hurts so much. Some days are just so unbearable. It's been six months, and it isn't getting any easier to accept what happened that night. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I relive that night. If it weren't for me you would still be here."

"But then you wouldn't be here," said a voice behind her. Lu stood up and turned around, surprised to find her son standing there.

"What are you doing here?" she asked softly. Marc walked over to his mother, realizing quickly how difficult it must be for her to be here alone.

"Dad was driving me home. I saw your car and asked him to drop me off. I hope it's okay." Lu nodded as she put her arms around her son, hugging him tightly.

"Of course it's okay. I'm glad you're here. I missed you." Marc glanced quickly at Mickey's headstone, then turned to face his mother.

"Mom, I know that you feel guilty about what happened to Mickey. I know that you've been hurting. I could see it, but I didn't know how to help you. It was like you were shutting everyone else out, like you had built a wall up around yourself." Lu nodded. She knew her son was right.

"It's just been hard." She said softly. "I loved him very much."

"He loved you too, Mom. Can I tell you something? I've been wanting to tell you this for awhile, but I couldn't because you wouldn't let anyone talk about Mickey."

"What?" Lu questioned.

"A few months before he died, Mickey came over one night while you were at work. He asked if we could go out for pizza because he wanted to talk to me."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Lu asked.

"Because he asked me not to. Mom, that afternoon Mickey said that he wanted to marry you, and he asked me if it would be okay." Lu couldn't help but smile.

"Mom, he told me something else that day too." Marc continued. "He said that he loved you very much, and would do anything for you. He said that he would never do anything to hurt you and he wouldn't ever let anyone else hurt you either."

"He...he said that?" Marc nodded.

"Yeah, he did. Mom, I don't think Mickey would want you to feel guilty about what happened. He did what he did to protect you. He knew you were in danger."

"I can't help the way I feel, Marc." Lu said, her voice trembling. "An innocent man died. He didn't deserve to die like that."

"And neither did you. Noone did. Mom, there is noone to blame except the lady who was holding the gun. She had serious problems. You tried to help her, but she wouldn't let you. You did your best." Once again, Lu knew her son was right. She had done all she could for Aneishia. It hadn't been her fault that the woman had been released from the psych ward that day. They had released her without even consulting Lu. And that night, it had happened. The night that was forever etched in her mind.

"I wish I could get rid of the guilt and the pain, Marc. But I can't. I can't just forget what happened. I can't forget that it happened because of me." Marc put his hand on his mother's shoulder.

"Mom, I don't think Mickey would want you to blame yourself. I think he would want you to let go of the guilt and move on with your life. Moving on doesn't mean that you will forget him or stop loving him. He will always be a special person in our lives." Lu stared at her son for a moment, wondering when he had gone from her little boy to this mature young man. She took a deep breath.

"You're right, Marc. He wouldn't want me to blame myself. And he would want me to move on. It's been six months, and time to let go. I guess I just needed someone to help me see it. And I guess refusing to talk about it only made the pain worse." Marc nodded. Lu bit her lip as she once again knelt down in the snow, facing Mickey's grave. She took a deep breath, then spoke softly while her son watched in silence.

"Oh Mickey. These past six months have been so very hard. I miss you so much. But Marc and Dana helped me to realize that it's time to move on now. But moving on doesn't mean that I will stop loving you. I will always love you. You will always be with me. In my thoughts and in my heart. Bye, Mickey." Lu stood and walked over to her son, who immediately put his arms around her.

When Lu and Marc reached the car, Lu turned around for one last look at Mickey's grave. She sighed. Today was the first day of a new year....a day for new beginnings. And for her, it meant letting go of the past and moving on with her future. She knew now that with the help of her son and her friends, she would be okay.

"Come on, Kid. Let's go home." She said to her son.


End file.
